How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
smell my finger.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
