yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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