Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
