what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
