apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
