I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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