I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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