Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
