ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
