and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I have already put on my inside pants.
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