I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
