He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
