Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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