Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Randomize
