I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Boobs are out for the taking
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
