on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Randomize
