I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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