the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
