Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
