i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
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