We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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