I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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