I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
