the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
