Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
