OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
