So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
