I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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