The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
