WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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