she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
