I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
