This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
