i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
