He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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