You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
