just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
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