When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
