Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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