Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
