it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
