He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
