I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
