Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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