totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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