i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Randomize
