Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
