I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I wish there were birth control emojis
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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