Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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