Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
