My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
