she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
