While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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