I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Randomize
