I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
