Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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