FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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