Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
