When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
