Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
