He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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